You are ---------> Here

       Yesterday I was sitting in church listening to a message asking us to figure out "where we are". I can't retell it as well as my pastor taught it. you can find it here when the video is up but during the message my pastor posed the questions "Where are you?" and "Where do you want to go?" It's funny how my mind works sometimes. I had immediate answers to those questions pop into my head but almost just as quickly as my heart revealed the truth my mind began to edit my thoughts. I didn't even realize that was happening until later in the day when I really thought about it.

My first answers were "not where I want to be" and "further". Those were my honest answers but my mind began to want to edit my answers because the real ones just seemed too messy, too vague and just didn't sound very eloquent. I'm not going to tell you the fancy answers my mind landed on because like all mirages they are dead ends. This got me thinking about how many times a day I let my brain edit the words of my heart and more importantly WHY I do. In many ways it's good to have a filter over your mouth because words can hurt. Like it says in Proverbs 18:21 "death and life are in the power of the tongue". I know I am guilty of using my tongue to bring death to peoples lives including my own. We could probably all be found guilty of this at some point.

Overall I'd say that it's a good thing that I've learned to edit some of the harshness that my far-too-honest mouth is capable of (I still could do better, in fact) but on the flip side I feel like it's created this over self-awareness that keeps me from being real, not just with those around me but with myself. It's all too easy to convince myself that I'm fine, your fine, everything is fine and ignore the things that scream out for attention in my soul. I don't think I'm the only one but the question is why?

It's no secret we live in a high pressure society. We all are told we need to look, act, and speak in a certain way and the Church, sadly is not immune to that mentality. There's a dangerous self awareness that is born of these pressures. I'm afraid to say how I really feel because what if someone judges me for it? What if I'm too messy to serve on the worship team? What if my friends think I'm whining? What if I sound prideful? We all have our own list of "what ifs" that keep us bonded to the facade that we think we should portray. Part of being real and growing in our relationship with Jesus involves admitting that we don't have it all together and that's tough in a society that tells us that everyone else already has it all together.

Satan loves for us to believe this lie because it breeds pride, perfectionism, covetousness, self doubt, and most importantly it keeps our eyes off Jesus. The truth is that no one has it all together. NO ONE. Even people that think they do don't. And the deeper truth in that is that we never will. The idea that we ever can is a lie. There's a peace that only comes when we accept that we are a mess and hand that mess over to Jesus. Even more, it's amazing what happens when we can admit it out loud without feeling like we are at an AA meeting guiltily admitting our darkest secrets. Authentic community is what happens when we can all get messy in front of each other.

In Galatians 6:2&3 it says "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself." We aren't just made for community we are made for messy, authentic community. God wants us to bear each other's burdens and we can''t do that if no one talks about the messy stuff. I find it awesome that God says in his Word to bear each other's burdens and then immediately hits on the issue of pride. He knows us so well. He knows what keeps us from each other and from him. 

In this life there are only two choices really: We can spend our lives pursuing the lies or we can spend our lives pursuing Jesus. This morning I prayed "God I'm sorry for trying to be awesome instead of just letting you be awesome in me. Show me the lies that I tell myself and give me truth to defend my heart against them. Help me be authentic and not worry about what other people think about me, my feelings or my actions. I don't have it all together. Please help me be deeply okay with that and stop pursuing the "dream". I want you to be my dream, Jesus. Be my pursuit."